My thoughts on the "L" word

       I've been thinking about something quite a lot lately (well, actually, my entire life) and I can't seem to get rid of these nagging thoughts.  It's this thing that seems so foreign to the world, but is sought by everyone in it. It's something we are all searching for, whether consciously or not.  Everybody wants it, but no one knows exactly what to do with it once they have it. It's the most complicated, confusing, and wonderful thing I have ever experienced, and despite the heartache it sometimes causes, I keep going back for more.  That's right, I'm talking about love.
         Ever since I was a little girl, I have dreamed of finding my Prince Charming just like all of the fairy tale princesses, and living happily ever after.  Make fun of me all you want, but it's a reality most girls grow up wanting and "needing."  (I say "needing" because I feel we as women have been somewhat conditioned to believe that in order to be truly happy, we need to find a man and get married.)  While the fairy-tale-princess side of me wants to believe there is someone for everyone in this world, my logical feminist side recognizes that this is not reality, and/or not everyone wants to be married/ not everyone has the opportunity to get married.  For those that never have the opportunity, I truly feel for them.  For those women who either do not believe in the institution of marriage or want to pursue other self indulgent pursuits other than finding love and a husband, to each their own.  Many would say to those women who do not feel the need to be married that they are selfish, cold-hearted, unfeeling feminists, all of which may or may not be true depending on the woman.  But that is not the point I want to argue.  What I believe is that these women, whether single, married, or still looking for love, can all be happy without a man in their lives.
        There are days I don't want to believe this.  I want to believe that true love conquers all, that everyone will find the person they are meant to be with, and that these feminist women will come to their senses and see the value of getting married and having a family.  I sometimes say things to myself such as "once I'm finally married, I will be finally be completely 100% happy."  But then my logic kicks in.  Despite what the fairy-tales say, love does not always conquer.  Even if two people are madly in love, there can be a circumstance so great they do not believe they have the ability to conquer it, and they give up.  There are plenty of women (and men) that go their whole lives trying to find that special someone, and they never do. There are women (and men) that will never change their views on love, marriage, and family.  They want to be alone, or have other pursuits they believe are of higher importance and value, and that is their choice. Although these people and situations are all different, the common denominator in all of these equations is the same; which is the ability to choose to be happy despite the cards you are dealt.
       I have come to believe that choosing to be happy is the most important choice you will ever make, not choosing your husband/ wife/ or partner.  This is a recent discovery on my part.  For years, I have heard that the only thing that will make me truly happy is to find a good man, settle down with him, and start a family.  According to the LDS church, it is also the only way to obtain the highest kingdom of celestial glory.  (I have various questions about this topic but I will save that for another time.)  I have also heard things such as "any marriage can be successful as long as both the husband and wife are righetous and worthy" (that is not a direct quote, I have just been told something along those lines).  In the LDS church, there is a lot of emphasis put on marriage, which is not a bad thing, but can sometimes be very stressful for those people who have not yet found their eternal companion.  I believe marriage to be very, very great and powerful when done with love and good intentions.  But, as someone who has grown up LDS, and is not yet married, I feel a lot of pressure to get married, regardless if it is to the "right person" or not.  While I believe any marriage can be successful if both people are willing to put effort into it, I also believe in happiness.  Just because a marriage isn't failing, does not mean it is thriving and full of happiness.  I do not think there is a single person in this world that wants to be in a loveless, unhappy marriage, and I see no reason why anyone has to be in one.  Everything in life is a choice, and I believe in a situation such as an unhappy, loveless marriage you have two options.  1) Choose to be happy independently despite your marriage (which I believe will lead back to a happy, loving relationship) or 2) Give up on the person you chose to spend your forever with because you as person are unhappy, and get a divorce.
        I am sure many people reading this will disagree with me.  They will say, "you've never been married, you have no idea what it's like."  To them I say, you are right.  I haven't been married.  But I have been in quite a few serious relationships, and what I have learned from each of them (although all very different circumstances) is that because of my actions or choices regarding my own personal happiness, I caused the relationship to fail.  It was my choice to be happy despite whatever they did to me, and the majority of the time, I did not choose happiness.  There are a few of them I seriously considered marrying, and if I would have, I could have made it work.  But I truly believe the reason they did not work out was not necessarily because they were the wrong person (although some of them I would not chose now because I know myself better and what I want/need out of a relationship) but because I was the wrong person.  I know some of you are thinking "oh this poor girl, she is blaming all of her failed relationships on herself.  She must not know her own self worth."  That is not what I am trying to get across.  What I have come to discover is that I was the wrong person for any and all relationships because I was never truly happy with myself.
       I've heard the saying "you can't truly love someone else until you love yourself."  I always thought that was stupid.  I knew I was capable of love because I had felt it and I had given and received it more than once.  I thought that what I needed in my life was to be loved and to love someone in return, but every time I fell in love, I still felt like there was something missing.  You can make the argument that it was because "they were not the right person for me," (which I partly agree with, because I feel their are people better suited for me than others), but what I have come to realize is that it's because I never truly loved myself, or more importantly, how to make myself happy.  The two go hand in hand really, because when you love yourself, you are happy.  Things would always start out great in every relationship, but after a few months, I would start to lose my identity and my happiness.  This has to do with a lot of different variables, but in every relationship, it always ended for the same reason, I had changed from who I was at the beginning.  The strong, confident, smart, independent, hard working woman they had grown to love soon faded to insecure, needy, lazy and unmotivated rather quickly.  I never understood why this happened until recently.  I realized instead of being the person I am naturally, I would try to conform to what the other person thought was the "ideal woman," which made me feel like who I was was no longer good enough.  I know what you are thinking as well, "stop dating jerks.  They should love you just the way you are."  I agree with you 100%. The problem is, they did love me how I was, until I started to change; until I started to choose the opposite of positive and was no longer happy with who I was.
       Everyone has a sort of "checklist" they look for when choosing a partner.  Each person has a different ideal they would love to find, but the reality is, you are most likely never going to find someone who has every single quality you are looking for.  And trying to change someone to have those characteristics is the worst possible choice you could make.  What I have discovered  though, is the happier I am with myself, the less I worry about my partners flaws/ lack of characteristics on my checklist, which greatly improves my happiness in a relationship.  Granted, there are red flags that tell you when to not be with someone, but unless you are confident in yourself and happy with yourself and your choices, you may never see those.  Knowing your own self worth and knowing you deserve to be treated a certain way, and that your partner deserves to be treated the same, I believe is the key to a successful relationship.  If you do not value yourself and your happiness, who will?  Yes there are people in the world that will love you despite if you do not love yourself, but it is exhausting having to constantly validate someone and reassure them of your love for them. Acknowledging that you are worthy of love is also very important when looking for/ in a relationship.
       I have gotten a bit side tracked, talking about love does that to me;).  My main point was that whether you are single, in a relationship/marriage, or never want to be in a relationship/marriage you can still be happy.  Happiness is a choice.  I didn't use to believe that (refer back to my depression blog post).  You can not chose your circumstances.  You can't control other people's actions or feelings.  The only thing you can control in this life is how you chose to react to situations you are placed in.  You have two choices 1) be positive, happy, and love yourself or 2) be sad, angry, negative, and doubt yourself.  I truly believe there would be a lot more successful, happy marriages and relationships in the world if people would first learn to make themselves happy before trying to make someone else happy.  To be able to donate something, you must first have something to give.  I feel you can not truly give yourself to someone else until you have built up yourself, your self worth, and figured out how to make your self happy independently of someone else's love.  This is something I believe to be successful at, needs to be worked on every single day.  So I am choosing to make happiness a choice each and every day, despite my circumstances.  I will do things to improve myself, challenge myself, and find myself on a daily basis.  This is my goal for the upcoming year, as well as for the rest of my life.  Although my circumstances are not ideal, I can say that I know myself better and have found ways to make myself happy, and as long as I keep doing them, I will eventually get to where I want to be.  Oh, and I will have my happily ever after:)