I am basically done with this semester, only one more dance final to complete. I have this odd feeling of being grateful, and not because the semester is over. I have been going to school on and off for the past seven years, and this is the first semester I am truly grateful for all that I have learned. This is an odd feeling for me, because at the end of each previous semester, I have felt burnt out, and hopeless. It is sometimes hard to remember why you are going to school, when there is no end in sight. I have been feeling this way for nearly seven years, and it really is unfortunate.
My first semester of college was a joke. After graduating late from high school, I decided it would be a good idea to start my first semester of college the next week. With all of the changes occurring in my life with friends moving on, a newly ended relationship, moving out, and finishing high school, I found that I was not prepared to start this next chapter in my life. Unfortunately, I figured this out after paying $2,000. I ended up failing every class but one, which was my dance team (go figure). I learned a valuable lesson that semester though, which was that I needed to really be dedicated and prepared if I ever wanted to succeed in college.
It was a year and a half before I decided to go back. I told myself that this time would be different. I declared myself a dance majoring and starting at the beginning of my course sequence. I realized that attendance was very important, especially in a dance major. Attending classes has never been my strong suit, so when I missed more then the allowed amount of absences, I gave up. Luckily, only one or two of my classes were attendance based, so I ended up doing pretty well in the other classes. Unfortunately though, to receive financial aid there is a certain percentage of classes you have to pass to continue to receive it. I was in jeopardy of no longer receiving financial aid, so I decided it was time to really dedicate myself.
The next semester was probably the most enjoyable semester I have had thus far. I made the tour team, was taking a lot of technique related dance classes, as well as dance conditioning which really helped me get in shape. I made a lot of connections and friendships with teachers and students, that I am still in contact with today. I passed every class with flying colors, and it felt awesome. The same was true of my summer semester, which consisted of math, biology and a modern dance class. I was feeling great about school and life in general.
Fast forward a few months and my love of school and life took a turn for the worst. I started taking more generals, and upper division dance classes. I no longer loved school, but I dreaded going to every class. I began feeling bitter and angry when I wasn't progressing in dance, and that other dancers were surpassing me. I was especially angry when I was cast as an alternate for a routine the team would be competing with in Blackpool, England in a few months. I started thinking the classes in my major were unnecessary, and that a degree in dance would not benefit me. I again failed a few classes, mostly because I stopped feeling they were important for me, and basically, I was above them.
I again left school for about a year. In that time, I put on quite a bit of weight. I did not want to go back to school or dance, because I felt so insecure and awful about my body. When fall semester arrived, I forced myself to sign up for classes just a few weeks before they started. This was a hard experience for me. Being overweight and a dancer are two things that are never used in the same sentence. I felt awkward, insecure, and slow. My body just would not move the way it use to. The extra weight slowed me down, as well as inhibited me from wanting to try doing any lifts or tricks. Not only that, but I was moved down to a lower team then I had previously been on (which I believe had to do with my weight). Needless to say, I did not enjoy that year, and my attitude progressively got worse and worse as the time went on. I did ok in my classes, but I was not happy being there, and did really let myself learn anything.
That was about a year and a half ago. After again taking a substantial amount of time off, I decided it was time to go back and finish my degree. But, what I discovered is that part of the reason I can not seem to finish my degree, is because I actually do not want a degree in dance. I love dancing, I always will. But I do not like dance in an academic setting. I enjoy learning about its history, and the amazing pioneers of dance, but I simply do not want it broken down to where I am rolling on the ground, pretending to be a child again. I love the technical aspects of it. I love the aesthetics aspects of it. I love the physicality of it. BUT I DO NOT LIKE LOOKING AT IT IN AN ACADEMIC LIGHT. This puts me in a hard place, because one part of me just wants to hold a degree in my hand, ANY degree. But the other part of me wants to get a degree in something I feel is useful, and will help find a meaningful career. I have always thought that teaching dance was my only option, the only thing I wanted to do in life, the only thing I was good at. I no longer feel that way. It is a hard realization to come to, that the thing you thought you wanted to do for the rest of your life may not actually be what you will do. So, I am kind of starting over. Looking for new options for a major; thinking about how much more time I will be in school; knowing I will be criticized for not sticking to my original degree and just getting it done. But what is the point of getting a degree in something you no longer want or need a degree in?
Luckily, not all is lost with all the work I have done for my dance major. After next semester, I will have my associates in dance completed. Having this paper in my hands will help me feel like I have not wasted the last 7 years of my life, and gives me a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel. I know that all of the countless hours spent dancing have helped me stay physically active, and may help me find a job teaching if that is what I end up wanting to do. I just feel like I have more to offer, and more learning and growing that is being stunted with being in a major I no longer want to be a part of. I have thought about pursuing a secondary education degree, perhaps in math or psychology. Right now though, my focus is getting that piece of paper that says I have some sort of degree.
At the beginning of this semester, all I wanted was just to get through it. Taking 15 credits, working 30 hours a week and dancing is hard. I had forgotten just how hard it was though after being out of school for a year. There were days I was at school for 14 hours straight (those days were called every Tuesday and Thursday). Yet even though it was probably my most difficult semester this far, it was the semester I learned and grew the most. There were days I wanted to give up. Days I didn't care if I failed the class. Days I did not want to get up at 6 AM. But somehow, I kept going to class. Somehow, I tried to turn in my best work; and somehow I kept getting out of bed every morning. The only difference between this semester and previous semesters was my attitude. I decided I wanted to learn. I decided if I was going to pay thousands of dollars for an education, I should try to get the most I could out of it. I paid attention, attended classes, and talked to my teachers outside of class. I went from just wanting to get by, to wanting to absorb as much knowledge as I could from each professor. I can't say this was true everyday, but the majority of days I really tried. There is definitely more I could have done, but I have no regrets. I feel I learned a lot not only about the various subjects, but also about myself.
These past few months have been part of my journey to discovering who I really am, and what I want out of life. I now know I am capable of great work. I am intelligent, and have found that I am interested in expanding my capabilities outside of just dance. I know that I want to make a difference in the world. If I can help even just one person, I will be satisfied. I know that I can accomplish goals, and I will continue to set goals for myself. I feel I have felt incapable, unmotivated, insecure, and discouraged for too long. I have seen what I can do, and I now believe in myself. I am sick of failure and giving up, and that is not longer an option for me. I have come to realize that it is ok to love yourself, even if you are not perfect. I will never be perfect, but I will never stop striving for it. This is the beginning of a new chapter in my life, and for once I am excited for the changes I will be making instead of scared.
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